Features of the State of Affairs Rethinking Infidelity PDF
Iconic couples’ therapist and best-selling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a groundbreaking and provocative look at infidelity, arguing for a more nuanced and less judgmental conversation about our transgressions.the State of Affairs Rethinking Infidelity PDF
An affair: It can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the prohibition against it – in fact it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.
So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo, universally forbidden yet universally practiced? For the past 10 years, master therapist Esther Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. In The State of Affairs she asks, why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? Why does infidelity hurt so much? And when we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Is an affair always the end of a marriage?
Affairs, she writes, have a lot to teach us about relationships. They provide unusual insight into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Betrayal hurts, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage – with the same person. With the right approach, Perel argues, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.
Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel writes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”
After listening to Esther read The State of Affairs, continue on as she opens the door to her office and invites you to listen in on actual couple sessions. These are unscripted conversations of real, anonymous couples grappling with infidelity from her Audible Original podcast Where Should We Begin Begin? (courtesy of Audible Originals, LLC). As you enter this raw, intimate space with Esther, we hope you find the vocabulary for the conversations you may wish to have.
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Description of the State of Affairs Rethinking Infidelity PDF
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My parents Sala Ferlegier and Icek Perel were survivors of the Nazi concentration camps and sole survivors of their respective families. My father had nine siblings, my mother, seven. For four years, my parents stood face to face with death. Trauma was woven into the fabric of my family history (and would inspire my work for years to come). They came out of that experience wanting to charge at life with a vengeance and to make the most of each day. They both felt that they had been granted a unique gift: living life again. My parents didn’t just want to survive, they wanted to revive. They wanted to embrace vibrancy and vitality — in the mystical sense of the word, the erotic. I owe them much of my perspective on life, as well as my belief in the power of will, the search for meaning, and the resilience of the human spirit. To me, there is a world of difference between “not being dead” and “being alive”. I owe this understanding to my parents.
I grew up in Antwerp, the Flemish part of Belgium, studied in Jerusalem, and came to the States for graduate school. I planned to stay for one year but never used my return ticket. I fell in love with New York — and with the man who is still my husband today. I went on to study the nature of cultural and religious identity; how we negotiate tradition and modernity, individualism and collectivism. For the first 20 years of my career, I was particularly interested in couples and families who were in cultural transition. I drew directly from my own experience and that of my family.
I worked with refugees and internationals, exploring both voluntary and forced migration. As I traveled the world, I witnessed the falls of political regimes. I became curious how this played out directly in the kitchens and the bedrooms of the families that I worked with. But the bulk of my endeavors culminated in working with mixed couples. Intercultural, interracial and interreligious families were also in a state of cultural negotiation, playing out in their own homes. My primary interest was in how cultural forces affect gender roles and child rearing practices.
Dimensions and Characteristics of the State of Affairs Rethinking Infidelity PDF
|Listening Length||11 hours and 57 minutes|
|Whispersync for Voice||Ready|
|Audible.com Release Date||October 10, 2017|
October 16, 2018
December 18, 2019
Great book, has really helped me with my marriage and helped me understand more about affairs. Take note that I read this book almost 6-8 months after discovery of the affair and months of marriage therapy so I believe this book would not have been as helpful earlier in the process. I don’t believe my head would have been in a place of willingness to hear some of the things in this book. However, every scenario described in the book, at first I’m always upset at the cheater and can’t understand why they would do that, but after Ester explains both sides, even though I don’t agree that an affair is the right choice or a good solution, I do understand better and see that there is not always a clear right and wrong party.
Overall I really like this book and feel it has really helped me in understanding affairs in general as well as in my own marriage. I will caution, like previous reviewers commented, a chapter near the end of the book suggests that maybe the problem isn’t infidelity but our society’s definition of marriage and maybe we need to rethink the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is allowed in a marriage. This, in my opinion, is flawed and goes against everything I believe. Besides this one chapter dedicated to this idea, there are moments sprinkled in the book where she hints at this notion but she herself seems confused on if that is the best solution as most of the time the relationships with more liberal open rules still end up having affairs, so her defense on this idea doesn’t have much weight. Other than those moments I love the book and it has truly helped me understand and forgive and move on, not forget, but forgive and move on.
My favorite part of the book is a chapter near the end that talks about three different types of couples (referring to ones that stay together after infidelity), the ones who never move on, they stay hurt and constantly bring up the affair and the pain and blame each other, the ones that sweep it under the rug and almost pretend it never happened and “move on” but they don’t really move on because they live in denial that anything even happened, and then there are those that use the affair to transform their marriage and find the positives from the affair and can connect more deeply because of it.
I gave this book 4 stars instead of 5 mainly because of the ideas I don’t agree with regarding redefining marriage, a notion that half the time she seems to be on the fence about herself but has a whole chapter dedicated to it as well as sprinkled hints about through out the book. Other than that I do like the book and found it insightful and loaded with good ideas and mainly understanding.
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